While I should be editing my latest sessions or even blogging about our recent bathroom remodel for under $100, I can’t help but feel a rush of emotions lately.
April 2014. I was sure I would be holding a precious baby by April 2014.
It was July. Liam was 16 months old. We had been in our new home almost a month. Kyle & I had been getting closer to trying for baby #2. After all, Liam was created about 3 weeks into our first home. It seemed so similar in the best and worst ways. I remembered back to what it felt like to be pregnant. The financial, emotional, and physical stress of creating a life within me. I remember wanting a baby, but being too scared to actually try for one, then boom, before I knew it, my life changed with one dollar store test on July 29, 2011. Now it was July again, two years later. It took barely a month the first time. “It will probably take a few months, tops.” I carelessly thought.
After months and months of charting, irregular cycles, and financial strain, I started to give up. This must be God telling me to wait. So I quit trying so hard..somewhat. I couldn’t help but check my Fertility Friend App with the hopes our recent endeavor had resulted in a precious miracle. Pregnancy test after pregnancy test; cycle after cycle; nothing. My heart couldn’t take it.
In these past 9 months of trying, I’ve grown closer to God, and then fell through the cracks again, confused and angry why He wouldn’t give me a baby. Wasn’t I worthy? Am I not a good mom? Feeding Liam healthy, always being a car seat Nazi, reading article after article about how to parent, and always giving that strawberry blonde head a kiss every night before I went to sleep. What was I doing wrong?
The more rooms we redecorate, the more real it becomes we’re not working on a nursery. Liam is growing and needing less and less of essentials in the baby aisle at stores. I can’t help but be envious of the moms who dread having to stop by that aisle for just about everything during their weekly outings.
I can only think about all the things I would do differently this time. All the things I would do better.
I know I seem selfish to some. To those who can’t have a child naturally, who have lost a child, or people who may never get the chance to be a parent. I have a precious, smiley two-year-old who brightens up my day, everyday.
Infertility and loss affects you in more ways than you can ever imagine. It affects your mental, emotional, and physical health. It affects your relationship with your spouse. It also affects your relationships with others.
I can’t tell you how many times in these past 9 months I have felt jealous or even angry that others were getting pregnant carelessly or easily, how I once had.
I’d like to tell you I’m at the point where I have come to terms with what my future holds, baby or not. I’m not there yet. I’m not sure I ever will be. It took my mom 7 years to have me, and 10 years for my sister to have my nephew. Even if I stop “trying”, the older Liam and I get, I feel like I will always hold out hope.
I know most people try for years and years, and its only been 9 months for us, but most of the moms who were trying around the time we started are giving birth now or soon, and it reminds me….I thought I’d have a precious baby in my arms by April 2014.